( julianne ) 22. A quiet soul. Filipina. College graduate with degrees in Music and English Literature. Melody writer. Artist. Dreamer. From bohemian San Francisco.
( melliflue ) Fashioned from the French & Latin translations of mellifluous. Derived from the word miel. Stream of consciousness and inspiration.
Scares me. It really does.
I’m probably the only twenty-something year old person who thinks so. Maybe my sheltered childhood has inadvertently crippled me to the point where I cannot even vie for independence.
I’ve gotten over the hurdle of driving by myself to work today: a long commute that takes about an hour each way. I believe I have enough confidence to do so, but it just hurts to see my parents have so little faith in my ability. I know they’re scared. But they don’t realize that their fear and concern for me scares me too. And in a way, I feel like that parental concern is selfish, a bit of an indulgence on their part, since I can’t help but feel its weight on my shoulders like an anchor. It’s like they want to keep me reliant on them forever.
I know they can’t help it, but damn.
Let me live a little, will you?
And to myself: live and let die.
Even if it is selfish.
I feel like I’ll never grow if I don’t strive for independence.
The whole thing I feel is a dualistic push and pull between wanting to be self-reliant like most people my age, but I’m so used to being helped by my parents…and it’s not like I can’t not afford to be helped either. There is so much I depend on them for. With all this ruminating, I feel like I can’t really explain it.
Bottom line is: I wish I was able to fend for myself. For my sake and theirs.